torn ' a p a r t '

I'm so torn right now... so confused.
I don't know what to do...

I know it is her life...
It's her body...

It's her choice to make.

So why does it bother me so much? Why do I feel so much pain? Why do I want to make her change her mind so badly?

I guess it's cause I promised her forever.

And I meant it.

I really meant it.

How I would die: 10 most possible ways

Yeap, I'm awake at 3.20am when I'm supposed to be sleeping early cause I need to wake up at 6.30am to fetch my mom to work... So my brain started thinking again and I'm morbid. So here's the 10 possible scenarios that I would most likely die from XD

10. Drug overdose - Swallow every pill I can find... oh wait, I can't swallow pills... I'll most likely crush em up and make a druggie cocktail. Bottom's up!

9. Slit my wrists & bleed to death - This one ranks higher though it's more messy... That's cause I wanna BURN out and not FADE out.

8. Road accident - Preferably a bus running over me & cutting me into half. Heard that it happened to this indian lady when she crossed the road near Kota Raya. That would be so cool...

7. Cancer - Any type of cancer... bring it on! I wanna die... (that's no surprise) so since I can't die easily, I'm considering sucking on cancer sticks (cigarettes) to help speed the process... Now, if only there's a way to stop my teeth from turning yellow >.<

6. Get beaten to death - Most likely by a gang or something... I'd most likely be the one who starts the fight... I'm not a fan of 'seafood'... they disgust me.

5. Gas explosion - I have this weird image run through my head everytime I go to a petrol station: I'd be filling up my car and my phone rings then -BOOM! Gone... poof... wow....

4. Spontaneous combustion - dying without leaving a trace. How cool would that be? I can just see the CSI people trying to solve my case XD Though I doubt that our Malaysian police can do much... they'll most likely resort to a bomoh & close my case...

3. Starve to death - For some reason, I think I have the gift of suppressing the hunger signals that go to the brain. Cause I can just not eat. I'll die of starvation before I realized I'm hungry. Hahaha... not really likely but it's different, doncha think? *wink*

2. Harakiri or seppuku - Japanese samurai's style of macho, manly suicide... Wonder how would it feel... I mean, stab into the left side of your stomach, drag it across to disembowel yourself, if you're still not dead, twist the blade upwards. If you're STILL not dead, pull out the blade and stab it into your heart. I wonder where can I get a samurai outfit... hmm...

1. Jumping off KLCC - Nope, not outside... INSIDE the shopping complex. Just go to the highest floor (I think I'll do it during Christmas where they have the tallest X'mas tree up) then jump off (if the tree's there, I'll just try to land on it for fun =D). Just imagine how my death would be remembered! Traumatizing a HELL-ALOT of people... I'm sure to be engraved in everyone's minds. Hahaha...

Yeap, I wanna burn out no matter what.

" Mature is a set of wardrobe, it comes to you one
by one... Don't be in such a hurry, you are only
21~ So you've fallen for this girl eh? Nice, heehee,
at least now you've got someone to think about all
day~ Who said that a tomboy has to be super
strong? We are all female, so natural to wanna rely
and be protected~ Maybe she can take care of
you? You girls work things out? "
My net-pal, Fallin' Devil, sent that message to me... It got me thinking...

I don't mind waiting for her. I don't mind spending all day thinking of her... but it really gets irritating when I know I can never be with her... And I tend to get angry at myself for liking her so much. I keep telling myself how I should let go and just let it be. And sometimes I do manage to convince myself that I don't need or want her...

BUT...

Everytime I see her... she reminds me of how much I can never let her go.

Romance, gifts, sweet talks, nice gestures... all of these do not work on her. Maybe they do, maybe she just doesn't show me that they all affect her. But she says I think too much.

I admit that I do think too much. That's just me. My brain works in mysterious ways which in return gives me thoughts and ideas that a normal person would not have.

Somehow, I wish this song was true for me:

Wishes by Le Couple

I looked in the sky and there I saw a star shining so bright above
I closed my eyes and wished upon the star that I would fine true love
Someone who needed me
Someone to share my life
For a love that would be true
I would wait forever
So...no...matter how long it may be
I will be waiting
One star-brighter than the others
Two Hearts-beating for each other
I believe wishes really come true
Love at first sight I knew it from the moment when you said hello
I hoped you felt it too, but we both so shy-how was I to know
when you reached for my hand
I knew you were the one
We laughed and talked for hours like I'd known you forever
Like...a...dream or something from a book
True love had found me
One star-brighter than the others
Two Hearts-beating for each other
Noe I see wishes really come true
You just have to dream
Nothing's as bad as it seems
to be...believe me
Someone's waiting for you to try
There in the sky
One star-brighter than the others
Two Hearts-beating for each other
You will see wishes really come true
You can't stop believing-wishes do come true
You gotta believe me (wish on a star) wishes do come true...