Are You Reading This?

Have you ever felt so torn apart that you wish that there was something that existed to guide you?
That's how I'm feeling now... been torn apart these days. Not really something new since I am a walking contradiction and my life might as well be the definition for the exact word in the dictionary...

con·tra·dic·tion
n.

1. 1. The act of contradicting.
   2. The state of being contradicted.
2. A denial.
3. Inconsistency; discrepancy.
4. Something that contains contradictory elements.
5. (See also: The life of - r y u -; - r y u -)
   

Hehehe... that's obviously plagerized from dictionary.com. Yes, I even rely on the internet for explanation of a word instead of going to the traditional gawd-knows-how-many-pages-book. I go to the electronic version: fast, simple, easy which also equals to LAZY.

Anyways, I'm wishing for something called the textbook of LIFE. Where all the solutions to all the problems in life is in that book. Hehe... I guess I can just dream on. If there was such a thing, there wouldn't be a point in living right? But I hate living so that gives me the right to complain. Bah!

There's a group of friends in college whom I'm close with who always say one thing to me whenever they see me looking troubled: "What's bothering you? Studies? Girls?" And before I can reply, they would say: "Ofcourse it's girls. Studies can never bother you this much."

Haha... and it's quite true. Not to say that I'm a genius and that studies doesn't affect or stress me at all, but I've always managed when it came to learning from books. I mean, if I didn't know or didn't understand anything that the lecturer said, the answer will be in a book. Sure, it would take some time to search for it, but there will ALWAYS be an answer... That's why I do not get pressured that much by studies... But girls... love... and life... THAT I have a problem. Cause there's no right or wrong answer to the questions that they bring. I do not have a solution because there is nothing or no one to tell me...

People tell me I worry too much about things that don't matter. There are more important things in life. I know there are such things. And I also know I need to focus on those things. But from my point of view, those things that have already written themselves do not need that much focus. Maybe I'm taking things forgranted... I know I tend to do that. I am not perfect. I do not want to be perfect. Not being perfect gives me a reason to actually want to do something... There's a good and bad though...

Cause not being perfect either makes me wanna be perfect so I strive and I fight in life trying to achieve the best I can... it also depresses me so much that it drives me towards suicidal thoughts...

Now you know why I call myself a contradiction.