I went to a Chinese temple today. The feeling is different from when I last stepped into one (which is a very super long time ago since I'm not religious). I even participated in part of the praying ceremony. Honestly, I didn't know what I was doing but that wasn't the main thing on my mind... It was how serene I felt when I was in there. I wasn't at awe of the statues and all (though it was pretty impressive). I was just feeling... calm.
I have never been a religious person. But today, I saw why people needed religion. It is a guide for all of us who are in the dark. No, I did not have an enlightening moment and decided to convert or something. I just went "Oh..." *imagines light bulb turning on*.
Mainly, I was there because I've always known she is a religious person, therefore I just wanted to see this side of her. I wanna know her even more. Every single thing I learn about her makes me like her even more. When I saw how devoted she was, I guess I was touched. I don't know how to explain my feelings... I just went "Wow...". Speechless is the word.
Anyways, I said a prayer myself. I wished for good health for my family (especially my Grandma) and friends. And I wished for her happiness. I found myself asking the Goddess of Mercy to look after her because I know she believes in the Goddess. I also found myself wishing I never have to leave her side because somehow, she has become a very important part of me. How this happened, I don't know.
But in my prayer, I too said that if she can only obtain happiness by me leaving, I will leave willingly. I want so badly to fight and stay but I know that what really keeps me going is knowing she can smile everyday.
I don't pray much cause I don't believe in prayers. But looking back, whenever I prayed, I have never prayed for myself. It has always been asking for someone else. Maybe it's because I know that God has created me with enough strength to survive on my own... and I'm doing well so far I guess...
When we left the temple, I felt great because I could see her smile. And then, she broke my heart while we were sharing a medium McD fries.
With every cigarrette I smoke, I burn away a part of me. I feel it in my body, remembering the sensations and then watch it disappear with the wind.
I am waiting for the day I can burn away the part of me that makes me love.
Tonight, I wanna cry.