Monday, April 21, 2008

A PLU Story

This is a "guest" entry by a fellow PLU who needs an outlet to vent her feelings. I am more than willing to provide her with this because I have been in this situation before and I'm sure many other PLUs have too...

*******

Its cold walking home along the streets at night now. Come nightfall, it hits below 20degrees here. 8pm, I wouldn't want imagine how I much colder it'll be if I left your place any later. But I don't have any reason for that now, I leave straight after dinner, no later than 8.30...dinner doesn't take that long anyway, even after I 'm done washing up.

Here's one PLU...thats very broken right now. C'mon..shine the spot lights and usher me into a direction where I'm welcome. To the group where the hearts of girls' were given up for other girl's, unconditionally, and most often love is returned...unrequited. C'mon..embrace me, I know there's alot of us...its true, which PLU hasn't had her heart broken by a girl before? I got it twice. From the same girl. No wait, I think it was everyday that you broke my heart because you never realized just how much I loved you.

I'd reckon, that its either I've been screwing up all along, or its that I am coming to survive what would be the lowest period of my life.

I believe that when it comes to relationships, gay people have it the hardest. Take it from me who's been 'undercover' for this long, to finally find a babe whom I think is godsent, intelligent, has enough guts to speak her mind with me, who's gentle, but most of all..she made me complete, and she gave me peace..in this lifetime of pain. She filled the gaps within my soul that I felt were empty, and she gave me warmth whenever I held her close to me.

But now I can't even touch her or even look her in the eye. Because every time I do, I know that he's done the same for her...and perhaps even further.

Its disgusting, and it makes me sick.

I can't even sit on your couch anymore. Cos thats where I walked in on the both of you with your hands locked together. That image is haunting me. And thats exactly how fragile my conscience is now.

Does he know that you've been puking in the bathroom? You haven't been well the whole day. C'mon girl, I've held you when you were throwing up during camp last year and I've nursed you before when you were sick. I know when something's wrong with you. I could gather already by the speed of which you rushed into the bathroom and slammed the door that you were throwing up inside. But he probably didn't notice anything, he had his headphones on all the while.

*I knock on your door*

hey....you've been puking.

...............

Take care, see you tomorrow.

Hopefully the one you chose over me knows how to care for you. But I don't think he'll ever feel as much pain as I do, from the one who has to pretend not to care anymore.

I hope he knows that you need your space, if not you'll start suffocating. He should know that your biggest fear, is getting bored in a relationship. Sien. You and I both know that we need time alone. Does he know...that more often than not, you try so hard to be strong but yet inside, like me..you are yearning for support and encouragement. 'Everything's gonna be okay babe, I promise'

I seem to be able to understand your actions, comprehend your fears and be sensitive to your feelings...But somehow, I can't seem to understand why you gave him a chance...and not me. Its like you can be everything someone wants, and everything someone needs..and you can say all the right things at exactly the right time..but yet I mean nothing to you, and I don't know why.

If he hurts you..and makes you cry, I promise..that however hurt you feel, it comes back to me threefold. And I'll condemn him for life, because he's just another man like all the rest who can't appreciate whats f*cking in front of him.

What makes a girl fall in love with another girl when she could easily just fall in love with a man. Not that I think of him..whom you have feelings for, as much of a man anyway, I'm sorry to say that. But I simply can't see what you find in him. Or worse, what hurts the most... is that, what has he done for you that I haven't already tried? Why did you give him a chance and not me...one and a half years ago. And that is exactly what I can't get over. Don't tell me that different people want different things..there's nothing I haven't done before to make you fall in love with me, there's nothing I haven't done to show you in just about every f*cking possible way that I love you. And now I am just so tired because all it took was just a man...a man..it could have just been just about any guy couldn't it? Just as long as it was a guy...to make you...fall.

But I guess it was an obvious choice for you. Its so much easier to conform, why go through all the trouble of coming out to your friends and family and facing all that rejection? I bet you'll be embarrassed. Anyway, you were always into that marriage-finding-the-perfect-husband-and-having-cute-babies thing. But somehow you have a thing for girls too. PLU's..we all agree that Mr.Right can sometimes be a she, but given the fact that when you're gay, things are more complicated. Why would a girl who is bi choose to be with a girl when life is so much easier when you're with a man? You have to be strong enough. But be straight...and you'll skip all the difficult steps. Anyone one of us could do that, but I refuse to acknowledge my lifestyle and preference for girls..as a choice, it is who I am. Why....? Because I love myself enough to be gay.

I loved myself enough to come up to you and say that I felt for you, even if I knew the probablity of rejection was close to 1.

I loved myself enough to take one and a half years of mixed feelings of euphoria and utter pain whenever you were by my side...even if I was nothing more but a friend to you.

I loved myself enough waste so much emotion on you, because you made me happy.

Go, ask him if he's willing to take a bullet through the head for you...don't worry I'll be your shield if he chicken's out, he probably will anyway. I won't move an inch.

Moral of the story is, don't fall in love with a girl who is bi...for the sake of your heart. Or maybe...maybe I should just quit looking. I'm so tired already.

And now I think its time for me to love myself again, and let you go.


pengkuo

3 comments:

jingz 晶晶 said...

pain is pain... regardless of whichever genetic make-up..

Anonymous said...

True. We all bleed.
And I feel as if my insides have been blown apart.
Its painful.

pengkuo"

colleen said...

dat's gonna leave a scar!..

sumtimes..i feel it's better to live w/o..
sigh..

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