There's so many things that I want to say, and yet, I can't seem to find the words. Drama belongs on TV. Period.
But somehow I find myself not only witnessing it but also involved in it.
Things are rough, but thanks to great friends (you know who you are, I don't want to boost your ego too much XD) I am getting through it. At least I THINK I'm getting through it.
I'll be back in KL in less than 2 weeks and I seriously don't want to leave. Not only because I'm going to have to face some really uncomfortable situations, not to mention struggling to get back on my feet financially when I come back... but I am just so afraid you'd forget about me.
I know things are hard for you too... I understand.
I am not expecting anything in return. Except maybe an answer. Well, let me rephrase that, a definite answer. Then maybe I'll just tell myself that it is just not going to happen and I'll move on, one day.
The thing about moving on, this time. I don't want to. I don't know what is it about you. But somehow I've managed to be in this position and all I can think about is "How the hell did I end up here?" in such a short time, a very very short time. It's a new record really.
I try to remember your face, but I can't get a front view in my head except for images of you in photos. When I think about it, I've only got the side view of your face imprinted in my head.
And that tells me something very important.
I'm always on the side.
Never the main character.
Just a sign by the side of the road. Sometimes I'm a detour that people take.
But they eventually leave me behind.
But I'd rather remember the side, cause it means I am close enough.
The day I start seeing your back, it will kill me. Cause it means you're walking away.
I am really not expecting anything. I've learned to expect the worst so that I won't get disappointed.
But I do realize that I've been waiting for an answer without asking the question.
The truth is, I'm afraid.
I want to ask, but I'm afraid of the answer.
So afraid that it keeps me up at night. So afraid that we can't even be friends.
I am terrified.