That's how I'm feeling now... been torn apart these days. Not really something new since I am a walking contradiction and my life might as well be the definition for the exact word in the dictionary...
- The act of contradicting.
- The state of being contradicted.
- A denial.
- Inconsistency; discrepancy.
- Something that contains contradictory elements.
- (See also: The life of - r y u -; - r y u -)
Anyways, I'm wishing for something called the textbook of LIFE. Where all the solutions to all the problems in life is in that book. Hehe... I guess I can just dream on. If there was such a thing, there wouldn't be a point in living right? But I hate living so that gives me the right to complain. Bah!
There's a group of friends in college whom I'm close with who always say one thing to me whenever they see me looking troubled: "What's bothering you? Studies? Girls?" And before I can reply, they would say: "Ofcourse it's girls. Studies can never bother you this much."
Haha... and it's quite true. Not to say that I'm a genius and that studies doesn't affect or stress me at all, but I've always managed when it came to learning from books. I mean, if I didn't know or didn't understand anything that the lecturer said, the answer will be in a book. Sure, it would take some time to search for it, but there will ALWAYS be an answer... That's why I do not get pressured that much by studies... But girls... love... and life... THAT I have a problem. Cause there's no right or wrong answer to the questions that they bring. I do not have a solution because there is nothing or no one to tell me...
People tell me I worry too much about things that don't matter. There are more important things in life. I know there are such things. And I also know I need to focus on those things. But from my point of view, those things that have already written themselves do not need that much focus. Maybe I'm taking things forgranted... I know I tend to do that. I am not perfect. I do not want to be perfect. Not being perfect gives me a reason to actually want to do something... There's a good and bad though...
Cause not being perfect either makes me wanna be perfect so I strive and I fight in life trying to achieve the best I can... it also depresses me so much that it drives me towards suicidal thoughts...
Now you know why I call myself a contradiction.